(515): Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
(712): Oh God
(515): I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship

(978): every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

(917): i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

(703): i really like this girl i slept with last night
(202): you ask her out again?
(703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

(630): do you know how bad I want you right now?
(1-630): As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
(630): is that a hint?

(570): I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried

(954): Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
(1-954): That Cesar Milan is captivating

(414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
(719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
(414): are you serious?

(212): btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

(615): so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

(613): somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.

(860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
(860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
(860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

(802): i can juggle bunnies
(1-802): cool
(802): on fire

(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

(319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
(847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
(319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
(1-214): we're not divorced.

(917): I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
(201): so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

(610): Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

(615): yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
(702): Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

(917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

(636): I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

(619): i miss you so much
(858): i miss you too
(858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

(515): Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
(847): Beat you to it.

(708): I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
(217): Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

(847): Rock
(630): Scissors
(630): Fuck

(212): Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

(617): Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

(301): Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.

(513): Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?

(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices

(512): I pooped in a mop bucket.
(1-512): WTF???
(512): Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

(770): I just barfed on his mom.
(404): You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.

(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

(206): Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

(410): Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was

(703): Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.

(310): I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
(415): Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

(904): I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

(312): I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?+

(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

(617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

(301): Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!

(503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

(920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle


(706): I think I'm in Tiajuana
(404): You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
(706): I could be

(757): hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
(540): pics
(757): no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

(760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
(619): Cremation, why do you ask?
(760): I think we have a bit of a problem

(616): when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
(248): who is this?
(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

(510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(518): Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
(773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

(248): I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
(1-248): What'd you say?
(248): I told him I was sleep driving

(714): OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

(714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(573): My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

(601): Are you drinking alone?
(662): no, i'm watching house
(601): That doesn't count.
(662): wtf, then i'm always alone

(508): So how was he last night?
(617): Five-minute foot-long.

(432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
(207): You need to stop watching Twilight.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.

(214): Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on


P.S. I just made the most fucking delicious garlic deviled eggs the Earth has ever witnessed.

(612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
(763): Yes.
(612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

(845): i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

(480): Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
(325): Because you touch yourself at night.

(714): i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
(619): ahah at least you got away with it
(714): nope...my gran was the one who informed me

(864): and the officer said have you been drinking
(864): and i said NOO SIR.
(864): and he said, I am a woman.

(845): I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

(330): So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

(814): I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

(909): grandma shit on top of the toilet

(419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

(216): you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

(248): I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

(415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
(415): Recession joke.

(650): I ate so much hot sauce today my intestines are saying eject me
(614): Go to the bathroom and as Peter Griffin would say "fire one out" hahaha
(650): More like add some salt to my asshole and you'll have homemade habanero chipotle sauce
(614): EWWWWWWWWW
(650): HAHAHA, you know you laughed
(614): I did not! that was nasty
(650): You know you like it
(614): nu uh
(650): are you gonna be averse to chipotle sauce now?
(614): what is your obsession with assholes and shit?

(313): Culvers...So Good
(313): So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.

(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

OMG.

Generalized anxiety disorder

Main article: Generalized anxiety disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder is a common chronic disorder that affects twice as many women as men and can lead to considerable impairment (Brawman-Mintzer & Lydiard, 1996, 1997). As the name implies, generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by long-lasting anxiety that is not focused on any particular object or situation. In other words it is unspecific or free-floating. People with this disorder feel afraid but are unable to articulate the specific fear. They fret constantly and have a hard time controlling their worries. Because of persistent muscle tension and autonomic fear reactions, they may develop headaches, heart palpitations, dizziness, insomnia and chest pain. These physical symptoms, combined with the intense, long-term anxiety, make it difficult to cope with normal daily activities.

( More Info on Anxiety )

I got myself two jobs. I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm so stressed out.