(612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
(763): Yes.
(612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

(845): i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

(480): Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
(325): Because you touch yourself at night.

(714): i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
(619): ahah at least you got away with it
(714): nope...my gran was the one who informed me

(864): and the officer said have you been drinking
(864): and i said NOO SIR.
(864): and he said, I am a woman.

(845): I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

(330): So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

(814): I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

(909): grandma shit on top of the toilet

(419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

(216): you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

(248): I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

(415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
(415): Recession joke.

(650): I ate so much hot sauce today my intestines are saying eject me
(614): Go to the bathroom and as Peter Griffin would say "fire one out" hahaha
(650): More like add some salt to my asshole and you'll have homemade habanero chipotle sauce
(614): EWWWWWWWWW
(650): HAHAHA, you know you laughed
(614): I did not! that was nasty
(650): You know you like it
(614): nu uh
(650): are you gonna be averse to chipotle sauce now?
(614): what is your obsession with assholes and shit?

(313): Culvers...So Good
(313): So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.

(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!