(510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(518): Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
(773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

(248): I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
(1-248): What'd you say?
(248): I told him I was sleep driving

(714): OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

(714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

(917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
(917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
(917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
(718): messed up. what color are the wings?

(573): My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

(601): Are you drinking alone?
(662): no, i'm watching house
(601): That doesn't count.
(662): wtf, then i'm always alone

(508): So how was he last night?
(617): Five-minute foot-long.

(432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
(207): You need to stop watching Twilight.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.

(214): Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on


P.S. I just made the most fucking delicious garlic deviled eggs the Earth has ever witnessed.