(515): Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
(712): Oh God
(515): I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship

(978): every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

(917): i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

(703): i really like this girl i slept with last night
(202): you ask her out again?
(703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

(630): do you know how bad I want you right now?
(1-630): As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
(630): is that a hint?

(570): I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried

(954): Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
(1-954): That Cesar Milan is captivating

(414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
(719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
(414): are you serious?

(212): btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

(615): so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

(613): somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.

(860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
(860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
(860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

(802): i can juggle bunnies
(1-802): cool
(802): on fire

(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

(319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
(847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
(319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
(1-214): we're not divorced.

(917): I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
(201): so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

(610): Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

(615): yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
(702): Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

(917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

(636): I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

(619): i miss you so much
(858): i miss you too
(858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

(515): Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
(847): Beat you to it.

(708): I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
(217): Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

(847): Rock
(630): Scissors
(630): Fuck

(212): Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

(617): Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

(301): Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.