(513): Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?

(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices

(512): I pooped in a mop bucket.
(1-512): WTF???
(512): Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

(770): I just barfed on his mom.
(404): You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.

(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

(206): Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

(410): Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was

(703): Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.

(310): I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
(415): Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

(904): I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

(312): I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?+

(734): hey call me
(810): can't. in the shower.
(734): ... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

(617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

(301): Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!

(503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

(920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle


(706): I think I'm in Tiajuana
(404): You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
(706): I could be

(757): hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
(540): pics
(757): no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

(760): What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
(619): Cremation, why do you ask?
(760): I think we have a bit of a problem

(616): when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
(248): who is this?
(425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.